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Part 5: Quality

June 14, 2012

And back to my other world I go. Team time is what I'll miss the most. And those girls. And Chris as my big brother. Jesse's honesty. Allie's genuine friendship. Bri's total self. Rebekah's maturity. Catherine's silliness and funniness. Ashley's eagerness. Hannah and Abby's tender hearts. Callan and Sarah's passion and leadership. Megan's accent and fun spirit. Stephen and Carrie's openness and rawness. Sharon's beauty and obedience. Rachel's enormous smile and shine. Annabell and Christin's sweetness and joyful spirits. Sarah's willingness to talk with all of us. Chris's words. His wisdom. Everyone's servant's heart. 
Just yesterday I was eager for today. Now I just wish for all of those people to be back in my life. I wish I could have gotten to them more. God put us all together and He knew exactly what He was doing when he did.


I'm ready to be a part of things so much bigger than me. Social justice. Is that my goal? Is that what God wants me to work toward?
What is my purpose?
What will I be advocating for and whom for?
What quotes and verses will I base my work and my life upon? 
What IS my purpose?
What is God's purpose for me?
What is His vision? 
What is His cause? 
What is my cause?
What am I fighting for? 
What and who do I believe in?
 Who am I allowing to hold my world?

I have a home. And I finally know where that is. Heaven is becoming more real to me. The fact that I'll see my 2012 Haiti team in heave is the coolest thing.

Part 4: Lima Beans & Lifting Weights

Jezi remi ou ----> Haitian Creole for "Jesus loves you."

I took these notes during our team team. We talked about going home. It was a tough one to listen to, because none of us even wanted to think about going home. However, what was said at this team time, has helped me transition back to my life here in Oklahoma in so many ways.

I am going to write this out exactly how I have it in my journal. Raw. Real.


Don't cling to Haiti.
Cling to Jesus.

Highs don't stay.
Don't live chasing spiritual highs.
Embrace the valley.

When the feelings fade, faith begins.
Let this trip be like a tattoo.
Go back home injected with a new passion.

Recognize that your friends and your family will not get it. Be ready for that wave. Be okay when they don't understand.

Own what you feel.

Part 3: New

June 12, 2012

Perspective. I suppose that's one thing I came here for. Perspective is definitely something I've fained here. New people. New family. New life-long friends. New sisters. New mentors. Brand new perspectives on people, foster kids, orphans, other countries, Jesus, His love, Christians, The Gospel, family, serving, being present, advocating for something one is passionate about. Being here has made me feel more passionate about work with DHS. So many great things have been said this week. I'm gonna try to list some of them..

• Everyone has their own story and it's theirs to tell. 
• If you can be talked out of adoption, you probably shouldn't adopt. Because it's a calling.
• Don't fall in love with Haiti. Keep falling in love with Jesus.
• Kids without parents are desperate for love and affection.
• Sacrifice.
• Don't wait too long for God to tell you His will. Be doing while you wait.

Some things that have surprised me is how Haitians do live similarly to those of us in the U.S. For instance, there are nice cars here and pop and books and movies and restaurants, etc. Another thing...these people are happy living as they are. It's all many of them know. They're use to being hot every day. They're use to the chaos in the streets and the smells in the market, the dangerous driving. Oklahoma, USA is no the only place on Earth. My heart really knows that now. 

"I'm tired of running and wrestling with these angels. 

I lay down my life and I surrender.

Hold me now

I need to feel You

Show me how

to make it new again."

-Without You (song by Ashes Remain)

---> I am that desperate child yearning for God's love and affection. HE wants to adopt US.

(Later that day)

I found myself eager to work tonight. After a full day of work, I was super eager to just continue. I want my every day to be that way. I want to be present and willing and efficient. In everything I do.

Part 2: Scratches On Paper

I'm going to share some of the things that consumed my mind and heart while I was in Haiti. I kept a journal while I was there, and you are about to get a glimpse into the words a scratched on notebook paper during the week of my sweaty heart...


June 9, 2012

Jesus,
Bring my entire being here. Bring my heart here, God. Bring all You have and all You are to my attention. Consume me. Give me perspective. Change my heart in the process. Give me joy. Give me a servant's heart and a positive "go get em" attitude. Speak every word through me, God. 
Make me rejoice like a great athlete eager to run this long run you have set before me. Lord, I need this time of being off-pace. Do what you want with me, Lord. 
<3 J



June 10, 2012

This way of life is incredible. And do they long for more? No. they don't know the extents of the "more" I know. The "more" I know is clothes, money, attention, internet, stuff, cars, opportunities, time, space, jobs and control. The average Haitian makes $2 a day. That's 2 dollars. I make more than that in 15 minutes...in air conditioning...sitting down. With a COLD drink. A padded, comfortable chair. Driving with laws that ensure my safety (for the most part). 
Church today was so good. Two hours long. I sat by a guy who made room for me when we walked in. He couldn't have been a whole lot older than me. Maybe 24 or 25 at the oldest. He was so nice. He translated a lot for me. He prayed a lot and they all sang so loudly and so beautifully.


June 11, 2012

This spirit of the Lord is everywhere. I'm realizing how little struggle I have in my life. I'm slowly learning what the word "raw" really means.
I HAVE been very present here. However, my number one struggle is still the mindset of just trying to get through this. I hate that. I want to be fully present and allow God to speak in this time and I want to know Him and others on deeper levels. Intentionally.
I'm ready to raise awareness and adavocate for the orphans of America and other nations as well. I want these 6 weeks working for DHS to be hard and so meaningful and beneficial to every person I come in contact with. The US has so many resources. God has changed my perspective through this trip...

Part 1: Mountain Reminders

Dripping sweat.

Cold army showers.

No knowledge of time.

One hundred individual smiles.

Loud voices singing to Jesus.

Kids wrapped around our necks.

15 girls put together Perfectly.

3 leaders with incredible impact.

A staff of missionaries dying to themselves, sacrificing such a large bundle of comfort to advocate for a bunch of precious kids. Kids who belong to Jesus.

Beautiful team time full of raw conversation.

Painted hands.

Strong finishes.

God's obvious Presence at every moment.

Sweat was my constant companion while I was in Haiti. Outdoors and indoors, it's presence was apparent, dripping down my back and face. Each drip was a constant reminder of the reason I was in Haiti for a week this summer; to sweat for Christ. 

Driving through Port Au Prince on that first day was mind blowing. People were everywhere. Traffic rules were close to nonexistent.  Neighborhoods of shacks lined the streets. Our 51 mile drive to the orphanage took nearly 4 hours because of the billions of cars and the winding roads through the mountain.

My entire life I've had this goal of never being first or last. I don't want to lead in the very front and be in control, but I don't like to be left in the very back either, struggling to catch up with the possibility of being or feeling forgotten. I like to be close enough to the front where I can at least see where I'm going. And I always prefer to be with someone rather than alone.
The day after our arrival in Jacmel, we hiked up a mountain with the kids. When I heard there was going to be a hike I thought, "Oh yes! I'm in shape! I hope there's a kid who wants to jog with me!" 
God decided to take that thought and teach me something. Something He's told me before. One of His simple truths. One of His beautiful metaphors. 

This is the mountain we climbed. God's creation is so beautiful! This was our view every single day! Haiti is such a beautiful country!

Within the first ten steps outside the orphanage, I was walking side by side with a girl named Sabrina.  She had a drawstring backpack on her back filled with water bottles. I noticed her messing with it, struggling with it's heaviness. 

I said, "Hey, do you want me to carry that?"

With no hesitancy, Sabrina handed me the backpack and immediately placed her hand in mine. As we walked, we talked some. I asked her how old she was...she said she was ten. I asked her how to say certain things in Creole. When she asked me how old I was, I told her, "Ven," which is 20 in Creole and her eyes got really big and she shook her head and told me that I was old! That made me laugh. 

As we hiked, we got further and further behind the group. Sabrina would get distracted by the nature around her or she would stop and ask for her water. She walked slowly on the ledges as she gripped my hand. She was in no hurry. After a while, that part of me that likes to not be last and the other part of me that really likes to run, came together and created a bit of an impatient attitude inside of me. I wanted Sabrina to walk faster with me so we could catch up with the group. As those thoughts ran through my mind and my attitude kept leaning toward hurriedness, Jesus came up behind me and whispered a few reminders into my ear.


"Jennie. Remember all the times you've given me your backpack of heavy water bottles? And I willingly took the load for you? Like last summer. You had a heavy load and you asked me to carry it...so I did. Remember last fall when you chose to grab my hand and hike the mountain of life with Me? You had to step up on some ledges...some really narrow ones...but You chose to keep holding onto my hand because you knew I wouldn't let you fall off. And remember this spring, when you got so distracted that you stopped and left me waiting for you to come back. And I waited. Patiently. You are my child and I have an abundant amount of patience for you...because I love you. I want to walk with you, hand in hand, even when you get distracted...even when you need to stop for a drink. You've been given such a gift today, Jennie. I have put you here to physically and spiritually walk with another one of my children. Don't let yourself be distracted from this opportunity...this opportunity to be My Hands and Feet. Be patient. Be present. Soak Me up here in this place, in this time, with these people.  Now go, be My Hands and Feet."

And in that moment, God began changing my heart and preparing it for the days (and weeks) to come...

Sabrina and me :)